A litte tough lately

My little Binky bums




Not that you aren't always on my mind, this December you were on my mind more so than normal. It just felt tough not having you around. Now I know most people would say its been four years .... really? YES REALLY, for some reason it hit me hard that I could not see you, feel you touch you or hear you. Many days spent when just out of the blue, tears would begin to flow and my eyes were automatically drawn to your photos.


I miss you so much baby boy - more than anyone could ever imagine.


Love you lots my angel


Mommy

Our final goodbye

My beautiful baby boy

So much that we have been through in the last few years, some not so great, but some wonderful too.
I haven't been here in a while, grampa was really very ill and had to have two brain surgeries so that's pretty much where our focus has been for the last few months, but fortunately he has made it through and well on his way to recovery (a long road ahead but recovering).

Daddy and I went away for a few days (first time ever that we have been alone) and we decided that it would be the right time to release your ashes. We did this on 3 October in Amanzimtoti. My heart broke when I opened the little box just to find a small zippy bag with white powder. Im not sure what I was expecting  - obviously a lot more :(

Anyway daddy and I climbed the rocks and got in as far as we could and released your ashes into the sea. It has taken us a little longer than three years to set you free, but it is done now.

So for now, we will cherish all the memories, joy and unconditional love you brought into our lives ....... until we meet again.

Love you my with all my heart angel boy

Did I ?

Aaah my precious - so much in my thoughts and my heart today .... just like very other day.

Today my mind leads to something I sent in 2012 ........ My promise to you, daddy and your sisters and I cant help wonder ....

I promise to be the best I can be and to give all I can give  - did I give my all - did I give you everything of my being
I promise to be strong for you when times are tough - was I strong when times were tough, was I brave when I needed to be, was I strong enough to comfort you
I promise to give in and allow you to comfort me when I need it - did I give in and take the comfort when I needed it most
I promise to listen to your inner most feelings however you express them - did I listen to you ..... really listen to you .... could I have listened more and picked up more .... could I have known ....
I promise to be brave for for you and for me - was I brave enough for the both of us, in fact for all of us
I promise to keep God in our lives - did I keep him in our lives enough
I promise to try and keep the humour when times are tough - did I try smile and stay positive  in tough times, did I try and make it easier for you and for all of us
I promise to cry with you when you need me to - did I cry enough ..... what is enough
I promise to take every opprotunity in guiding you on the right path wherever I can through loving discipline -a miracle angel who changed my life in every way - you my loving child, disciplined mommy ...
I promise to support you in every way possible - did I do enough, was I enough ... could never have been enough
I promise to love you unconditionally - was my love unconditional, could I have loved more, could I have shown you my love any more, ....
I promise to always keep you in my heart - was and forever will be in my heart for all eternity
I promise to lead by example - was I and am I the right  example to you and your sisters
I promise to allow you to make your own mistakes and learn from them - have your sisters learnt, have I taught them what I needed to, have I guided them in the way  a mother should, the best way I can
I promise to comfort you when you need comforting - did I comfort you enough when you were happy and when you were sick, did I comfort and love you enough the day you took your last breath in my arms and your heart stopped beating
I promise to get right back up when I fall down - I'm too scared to fall down because in know if I do, I will never get back up -  ....... a promise I cant keep
I promise to pick you up an carry you when you fall down - have I picked your sisters up when they needed me to
I promise to let your light shine through - did I let your light shine enough for the world to see
I promise to advocate for you in everything that you are and in everything that you do - did I advocate your life, your love, and your being as I should have
I PROMISE TO BE EVERYTHING I CAN BE FOR YOU AND FOR ME - was I everything for both you and me , but most importantly was I enough for you. Was I what God intended me to be when he gave me your precious soul ...

So many questions, so many unanswered.
Love you and miss you my binky bums.

All my love for all eternity - Mommy

Last Kiss

My Angel boy


My heart aches terribly today, I miss you so so much. Today its three years since I last gave you a kiss. My heart shattered into zillions of pieces, saying goodbye to you and kissing your cold lips as my tears streamed down on to your face,  has destroyed me in a way nothing else could.

I just wanted to take you out your precious little coffin and hold you once more, but I couldn't. Instead Daddy and I placed your favourite toys and our letters beside you and hoped that this would be enough and a few hours later I watched all the balloons - one for every day of your life - float away and drift high into the sky - our final goodbye.

What I would give just to hold you one more time.

Love you big boy

Lots of Love
Mommy

3 years and two days

My precious angel

I woke up on Saturday morning knowing that its three years since I last held you and felt your touch, three years since your heart was beating next to mine and then beat no more. It was a hard day but somehow we have learnt to get through the difficult days. Time does not heal, we have just learned to deal with it with out showing it.

A few weeks ago daddy and I decided to go to the movies and watch "The shack". Now if anyone has seen this movie or read this book and lost a child, they will know exactly what emotions ran through me. Now I have never been able to physically feel your presence like daddy does but somehow you knew you needed me to know that you were with us. Through the adverts .....nothing, the beginning of the movie ...... nothing, but when my emotions were unbelievably strong, there it was, the only way you could get my attention.

Now because of your feeding tube and the valve in your tummy not closing, after most of your feeds you would bring up and its a smell that is very distinctive and one that I could easily associate with you, if you wanted me to .... and that is exactly what you did.

So to carry on, from the time I started crying watching this movie, I could smell it, right up to the end of the movie and then, when the credits started rolling, ..... nothing. As suddenly as it came, it was gone.

I always ask you to somehow let me know when you are near and I guess you knew I would need that comfort whilst watching this movie - so so so close to home.

Thank you my angel boy. Love you to the moon and back

Till we meet again

7 years old :)

My precious little angel

So you are 7 years old now :) and we wish so much that we could have spent your birthday (and every other day) with you.

As your sister says, you should have been starting school this year (even if it was a special school) and we sincerely believe that everything that you should have been doing on this earth, you are now doing up in heaven. I like to picture you running freely and laughing, because boy did you love laughing and shouting and make noise like normal little boys do. Shout shout shout big boy, make a noise big boy, play and be merry my angel and know that we love and miss you more each day.

HAPPY 7th BIRTHDAY my binky bums.

All my love and kisses - till we meet again

Love mommy <3

Another step forward and giving

My precious precious angel boy

Another Christmas and new year with out you here by our side - never gets any easier. In fact this one was just a little harder but at the same time a very "heart warming" one too.

Daddy and I plucked up the courage to go and visit a home for abandoned children - well abandoned babies really - and once we were there we knew straight away that The Door of Hope was where your things needed to be. We walked in and saw straight away that the children are well cared for and the material things are looked after especially with so many babies. We left and my heart felt ..... well I guess I can say my heart felt sure that this was the right place.

That evening daddy and I had a difficult task ahead of us. We unpacked all of your "Crates" and had to go through each and every little thing and decide what is was that we want to keep and what we would like to bless other children with - I still wanted to keep everything !! -  it was incredibly heart wrenching, but we made it, we sorted through everything and kept what our hearts could not part with and set the other stuff aside.

On Sunday morning we delivered everything to the home - your cot, pram, jumpers, walking rings clothes and lots of toys. Daddy and I know that these babies will be so blessed to be able to use these - it warms our hearts so much to know that we could bless others the way that we were and are blessed to have you and the way that others were always helping and blessing us - its our turn now - as heart sore as it is.

I still have your chest drawers next our bed, with all your clothes and blankets that we used on a daily basis - I wasn't able to go through those, that will take a little more time, but I have plans for those and once I am there, I will tell you all about it.

Love you and Miss you terribly my little monkey, binky bums.

Lots of love
Mommy

On my mind so much

Mommy's little "binky bums"

You have been on my mind so much lately - you always are - but more so than normal. Mommy is missing and longing for you so much my angel - I just don't know if it will ever get easier. I have been spending a lot of time in your garden and it really is looking gorgeous - and the only thing it can be is yours' and uncle Kev's help - cause you no mommy is normally a plant killer :) but your garden is oh so gorgeous, just as you are.

Love you and miss you terribly my precious little binky bums.

 

Tough times

Hello my little angel.

Its been a little while since I have been here. Times have been a little tough lately, emotionally. Saturday is was a year since uncle Kev left us and I am sure the two of you were looking down on us and all our misery - we cant help it, we miss you both so much.

The funny thing, is I think you and uncle Kev have been playing silly buggers with me and daddy. its happened to me twice but I never really thought about until last week Friday when daddy had my car and phoned me to ask me if just out of the blue when the radio was on, had it every just changed to the CD player. Now bearing in mind the CD that is in at the moment is one that was played at your service when we said our last goodbyes and the song that starts playing is track 11 which the first few words are "I hold you in my arms" - so most people find this kind of freaky but daddy and I have decided that you and uncle Kev are just letting us know that you are still around :) it makes my heart so happy and yet so sad that I cant see you "being around".

I finally dreamt of you the other night, not that I can actually remember my dream, all I remember is that you were no different to when you were with us, still the same size, the same smile, the same gorgeous little munchkin. Your sister said she also dreamt of you but also cant remember her dream. So come back to us in our dreams binky bums we want to see you some more !!

Never a moment goes by that you are not in my mind.

Lots of LOVE Mommy

Two years come and gone

My precious little binky bums


Two years has come and gone - in fact its been two years and a month since you gained your angel wings.


Its taken me so long to get here,  not because I didn't have time but because I have found it incredibly difficult to come here in the last two months.


On 13 May it was two years since we had to say goodbye and I cant understand why but this year I found it incredibly difficult to accept - I guess I felt incredibly inflicted - everyone wanted me to celebrate my 40th but I just couldn't - I just couldn't find the strength to do anything other than cry and think about you. Think about what you look like, just to see your smile again and hear you laugh. I guess I will never heal and as each day goes by I will just learn to live this way - okay on the outside but crying on the inside.


We also had another milestone to pass this year may angel - your sister Tannyth had her 21st birthday - I was incredibly proud of her - she specifically stated that she did not want a party, she just wanted something sentimental and time with her family.  I know it was also hard on her as this was also the day that we had to say our final goodbyes to you at a very special service, but she did have a very special day - mommy and daddy bought her a very special and sentimental ring - which she loves and hasn't taken off since. We sent her flowers, chocolates and balloons and then spent the evening with us - I know she missed having you with us.


So many things have happened that we wish we could share with you - like now Tia also just celebrated her 19th birthday and is going through a milestone of her own - jip you guessed it - she is preparing to get her license, although she is full of nonsense she is incredibly excited - she feels like she is finally growing up :)


Toni is Toni, still happy to just plod along and go with the flow  and missing you so much along the way.


And Daddy - well what can I say - so many little things that remind him of you, he is still taking strain and sometimes shows his tears but hides them as quickly as they come. He misses you and uncle Kev so much - we all do.


I Love you and miss you so much my beautiful baby boy -

Mothers day

Hello my precious


In general conversation the other day with a friend we were talking about someone she knows and without realizing, she asked me how someone can feel so sad and so happy at the same time, it doesn't make sense.
The only way I can describe it was to say that its very easy to feel that way - take me for instance - I am very happy because I am ever so privileged to I have six beautiful children - three amazing and beautiful daughters, One little boy who was and always will be the biggest and most precious blessing of my life, two beautiful step daughters and a really special, generous, kind hearted and loving man who is always by my side -  BUT -  I am incredibly sad and heartbroken at the same time because I don't have my little blessing by my side. I don't have you to cuddle and kiss anymore and that is exactly how it feels every day, happy yet sad,  but especially yesterday on Mothers Day.


My heart will always have a full yet empty feeling - I have so much to be thankful for but yet my heart feels like there is so little to be thankful for.


Love you and miss you always my angel.


Lots of love
Mommy

Its your birthday month

My precious angel
15 more days and it  is  your birthday - 6 years old yet forever 4 years and 14 days.
Oh how I miss you. I miss your smile, touch, smell, cry, your laugh, your deep breathing whilst sleeping, feeding times, bath time, your shouting and your intense concentration when you wanted something or watched cricket on TV. I miss you banging your head against mine and the way you used to swing your legs up and down when you would lay in bed with me and daddy when you didnt want to sleep, and the way you always used to put your lips together and make a "mmmmm" sound as if you wanted to say mama. I miss hearing your giraffe rattle that you loved so much and seeing your chair rocking to and fro every time I come home from work. I miss the way you always used to look into a specific corner of the room and smile or laugh, as if someone else was there with us.


The days seem to be a little longer, I so want your birthday to come so that we can celebrate you, yet at the same time I don't want it to - because it is too heart breaking knowing you are not with us.  I think about it every day and then the sadness and hopelessness kicks in and its migraine after migraine. I see how daddy is emotionally taking strain the closer it gets - and my heart breaks for him and your sisters because I am helpless in making it better for them.


The other day I saw a post asking if you could describe your trisomy journey in one word what would it be. I thought about it for a while and there really isn't only one  word that can be thought of. Yes there are many "one words" I can say but just one does not describe the life we had with you. It was miraculously amazing, majestic compassionate, perfection, honoured, pure and unconditional love, indescribable, terrifying, scared, helpless, hopeful, tired, exhausting, inspirational, pure joy, pure sadness, exquisite, empowering, challenging, blessed, rewarding and so so so much more - yes there are some "not so great" words, but that was part of our journey. Let me just say though, the good far out weighed the "not so good" and yes if anything,  life was put into perspective and having had you in our live is the most rewarding thing anybody could ever have asked for  - and now you are an angel in heaven looking down on us.

Love you my sweet angel boy

Taking a step forward

Hello my precious


I miss you so so much my angel - sometimes I feel like my heart is just being ripped right out of my chest.


Its been 20 months since the worst day of my life and still it feels like yesterday. Daddy and I decided that we needed to try and take a step forward and so we decided that it was time to dismantle your cot. It was horrible and painful - it felt like we were saying goodbye all over again.


I walk into my bedroom now and it feels so bare and so empty without your cot there. I don't think I will ever get used to it. Seems so much harder to sleep at night now, knowing I cant just reach over and touch it.


The hardest part is I don't actually know how to deal with what I am feeling, its like the anger has set in and I just want smash everything in front of me - its as though I am a ticking time bomb.


Why - why - why


There is a huge gaping hole in my heart and in my life which will never be filled again.


Miss you and love you so much binky bumbs -

Another goodbye

Hello my precious sweetpea


Its been a while since mommy has been here - its just been too hard for me but today I needed to come here.  Yet again tragedy has struck our family and our hearts are broken. On Thursday your uncle Kevin went to heaven - as was with you it was totally unexpected - we are all so devastated.


Although we know you were there to welcome Kev with open arms and that the two of you will look after each other and no doubt get up to mischief - we are not quite sure how to cope, especially daddy. Within a space of a little more than a year he has lost two people that have meant more than the world to him. Kev is daddy's brother, best friend and the only person that he really opened up to when it came to talking about his feelings and emotions. Today Daddy, Ouma, and your aunt and uncles had to say their final goodbyes.  They had a small ceremony and celebrated his life with wreaths of flowers in the ocean. I am sure you are both looking down on them and saying well done because that is exactly what Kev would have wanted. As with you, uncle Kevin was cremated and everyone has decided that when they get home, his ashes need to be placed next to yours.


This is so hard, we aren't even anywhere near coming close to terms with having lost you, and now this. We need help big boy, we need help to get through this - I just don't see how we are going to manage - especially daddy.


We love and miss you so so much


All my love
Mommy

Emotional few weeks

Hello my precious little binky bums


Its been a while since I last wrote - It just seems to get more difficult as time goes by and the last three weeks have been especially difficult. There have just been so many special dates to get through - first was your birthday on 29 April - your first birthday up in heaven and our first without you. Daddy and I took the day off work and just spent time together and in the evening, when it was nice and dark, as a family we released some lovely lanterns in your memory. Something simple but something special for our little light.


Then on 3 May was your sister Toni's birthday and I found myself a little more emotional and a little more difficult to get through the day, as has been every day, but with the build up of all the anniversaries it just became harder.


Sunday 10 May was mother's day and my first without you as well - a heartbreaking day to say the least. The fact that I couldn't have all my babies with me is something my heart will never be able to understand. And then the worst of all came on 13 May, my birthday, a day that my heart will no longer know "how" to feel -  the day that marks 1 year since you gained your wings - the day you stopped breathing but your heart was still beating - the day mommy and daddy whispered to you that if God has you in his arms and you are happy then its time to go and that we would understand - the day, that the second after we said those words, you took comfort in them and your heart stopped beating and you went back home. I know I said mommy and daddy will be okay, but sometimes I just don't think I will be, but I am told that one day I will okay - I just don't know. But the one thing I do know is  that my heart will  most definitely NEVER recover.


And then there's today - your oldest sister's birthday, but also the day that daddy and I had a private moment with you and saw and kissed you for the very last time - the day that we had to say our final goodbyes. The day that we mourned yet celebrated your life with everyone that your little light touched - the day that so many wanted to be there but couldn't be amongst the many that were.


We miss you so much my baby, so much that our hearts ache every second of every day. I wish I could just have one more moment with you - just to know that you are happy and whole.


Love you more than all the grains of sand in the desert - to the moon  and back plus infinity <3

Someday

Lent this from another mommy's blog


Someday
When you live in a world where someone has told you your child is dying, you start preparing for someday. Someday, you'll have to decide that even though a surgery is needed, it is just too dangerous to go through with. Someday you'll have to decide when to stop trying to fix problems and to just provide as much comfort as you can. Someday you'll have to decide when treatments aren't working anymore anyway, so it is time to go ahead and stop them. Someday you'll have to decide when to sign papers that give medical staff permission to let your child stop breathing and their heart stop beating. Someday you'll have to make funeral plans for your baby. Someday you'll have to say goodbye.

Someday is never actually supposed to happen. - Carolyn Marie

But someday happened to us and we had t o say goodbye. We are heartbroken and the pain is indescribable  and the hurt and longing is ubearable

9 months and forever gone

My sweet precious little angel


Today marks 9 months that you grew your angel wings and I am trying my utmost to be strong and failing miserably.


I miss you so so much, Daddy and your sisters miss you so so much


I now realize that the loving and longing will NEVER go away.


Love you sweet pea !!

Quiet and Empty Christmas

My precious baby angel.


It has taken me sometime to be able to sit down and write this, with the festive season and so many families celebrating I have found it difficult to be without you and as the time goes on it just seems to get harder.


Christmas day was a very quiet and empty day for us, it was the first one that we have not had with you ....... well without your physical little body. We know in spirit you are always with us, but it still doesn't make it any easier. It was so hard knowing that there wasn't a little present under the tree for you to rip open, even though you never really new, but just the joy of you holding onto the paper and thrashing it about, was a sight for sore eyes, and now ..... now I don't get to see that any more.
I don't get to dress you up as a little Santa and take photos. I don't get to kiss and cuddle you and see you face with all the excitement that goes on around you. I miss you trying to stick your fingers in my mouth and trying to pull my hair. I miss you sisters playing with you and swinging you back and me telling them enough now, but knowing that you loved every minute of it because you would throw yourself back just to go some more or swing your arms back in the air to say again ..... again.
I miss "fighting" with you because you kept pushing your food up and sprouting it out your feeding tube just to have the food all over me. I miss you throwing yourself back in the bath just to have your head in the water.  I miss trying to keep you still after your bath so I can dry you and dress you. I miss EVERYTHING, EVERTHING, the great and the not so great.  I miss having you close to me or just knowing that you are close by.

Daddy was so brave my big boy, he promised you that he would face his fears, I mean every day you fought for your life and every day you were happy and smiley and brought so much joy to everyone who met you. You see, daddy is petrified of heights and he decided that he would fulfill his promise to you in December and decided to "jump" the Oribi Gorge. Aah my boy, it was very hard for daddy but he did it - it is the highest jump/swing in the world and your daddy did it. I am so so proud of him, although the whole way, from the beginning right to the end I was crying, I guess out of fear, memories,  sentimental value, and being proud ....... Its strange how things work out, because the day daddy jumped, happened to be the 29th, and you were born on 29 April, this was not planned .... oh how I wish you could have been there to see it.


A little while ago daddy and I decided that after the jump we would spread you ashes, but when it came to it, I just couldn't do it. Daddy was very understanding and told me when I am ready is when we do it. I thought I was but I guess I have been hiding it very well from everyone, I am just no where near ready and somehow don't think I every will be. Everyone says happy new year, I hope its a great one - how can it be a great one - I don't have you with me


I know some people think I go on and on and probably say just get over it ..... but please tell me, how do you ever get over losing your child. I just don't understand it, my heart is so sad yet so angry, I have been a good mom to you and your sisters, I have been good "mom" to my step daughters, where did I go wrong, why did I have to lose my baby boy .....

re



8 months gone

My precious baby angel.


Today marks 8 months that you are no longer with us. Everyone keeps telling me time heals ...... it doesn't. My heart aches for you every second of every single day .

Forever counting

Ai my binky bums - the last few days have been so incredibly difficult and emotional - I miss you so so much.
It has been a little over six months now your little body is whole and that you are running freely with our heavenly father - it feels like just the other day but yet a life time that you gained your wings.
Whilst you were with us big boy, we were forever counting and celebrating the days, weeks, months and years we had with you and cherished every moment, and now even when you are not with us, we are counting the days, weeks and months that you have been gone. I don't thing we really know how else to survive - just day by day I guess
The fact that Christmas is around the corner and it will be our first without you makes my heart shatter even more. I know its a time that we should celebrate and be thankful, but I am no where near that frame of mind, in actual fact I am not looking forward to it at all. Would be quite relieved if it never comes.
I know we have many "first" milestones that we still need to get through and maybe once we have gotten through all the very special days like birthdays, Christmas, Easter and other days, maybe then it might become a little easier, but somehow my heart tells me it will never become easier. You are our little boy, our little miracle and should be here with me and daddy and your sisters.
We shouldn't have to be living life without you - its just too hard L