Two years come and gone

My precious little binky bums


Two years has come and gone - in fact its been two years and a month since you gained your angel wings.


Its taken me so long to get here,  not because I didn't have time but because I have found it incredibly difficult to come here in the last two months.


On 13 May it was two years since we had to say goodbye and I cant understand why but this year I found it incredibly difficult to accept - I guess I felt incredibly inflicted - everyone wanted me to celebrate my 40th but I just couldn't - I just couldn't find the strength to do anything other than cry and think about you. Think about what you look like, just to see your smile again and hear you laugh. I guess I will never heal and as each day goes by I will just learn to live this way - okay on the outside but crying on the inside.


We also had another milestone to pass this year may angel - your sister Tannyth had her 21st birthday - I was incredibly proud of her - she specifically stated that she did not want a party, she just wanted something sentimental and time with her family.  I know it was also hard on her as this was also the day that we had to say our final goodbyes to you at a very special service, but she did have a very special day - mommy and daddy bought her a very special and sentimental ring - which she loves and hasn't taken off since. We sent her flowers, chocolates and balloons and then spent the evening with us - I know she missed having you with us.


So many things have happened that we wish we could share with you - like now Tia also just celebrated her 19th birthday and is going through a milestone of her own - jip you guessed it - she is preparing to get her license, although she is full of nonsense she is incredibly excited - she feels like she is finally growing up :)


Toni is Toni, still happy to just plod along and go with the flow  and missing you so much along the way.


And Daddy - well what can I say - so many little things that remind him of you, he is still taking strain and sometimes shows his tears but hides them as quickly as they come. He misses you and uncle Kev so much - we all do.


I Love you and miss you so much my beautiful baby boy -

Mothers day

Hello my precious


In general conversation the other day with a friend we were talking about someone she knows and without realizing, she asked me how someone can feel so sad and so happy at the same time, it doesn't make sense.
The only way I can describe it was to say that its very easy to feel that way - take me for instance - I am very happy because I am ever so privileged to I have six beautiful children - three amazing and beautiful daughters, One little boy who was and always will be the biggest and most precious blessing of my life, two beautiful step daughters and a really special, generous, kind hearted and loving man who is always by my side -  BUT -  I am incredibly sad and heartbroken at the same time because I don't have my little blessing by my side. I don't have you to cuddle and kiss anymore and that is exactly how it feels every day, happy yet sad,  but especially yesterday on Mothers Day.


My heart will always have a full yet empty feeling - I have so much to be thankful for but yet my heart feels like there is so little to be thankful for.


Love you and miss you always my angel.


Lots of love
Mommy

Its your birthday month

My precious angel
15 more days and it  is  your birthday - 6 years old yet forever 4 years and 14 days.
Oh how I miss you. I miss your smile, touch, smell, cry, your laugh, your deep breathing whilst sleeping, feeding times, bath time, your shouting and your intense concentration when you wanted something or watched cricket on TV. I miss you banging your head against mine and the way you used to swing your legs up and down when you would lay in bed with me and daddy when you didnt want to sleep, and the way you always used to put your lips together and make a "mmmmm" sound as if you wanted to say mama. I miss hearing your giraffe rattle that you loved so much and seeing your chair rocking to and fro every time I come home from work. I miss the way you always used to look into a specific corner of the room and smile or laugh, as if someone else was there with us.


The days seem to be a little longer, I so want your birthday to come so that we can celebrate you, yet at the same time I don't want it to - because it is too heart breaking knowing you are not with us.  I think about it every day and then the sadness and hopelessness kicks in and its migraine after migraine. I see how daddy is emotionally taking strain the closer it gets - and my heart breaks for him and your sisters because I am helpless in making it better for them.


The other day I saw a post asking if you could describe your trisomy journey in one word what would it be. I thought about it for a while and there really isn't only one  word that can be thought of. Yes there are many "one words" I can say but just one does not describe the life we had with you. It was miraculously amazing, majestic compassionate, perfection, honoured, pure and unconditional love, indescribable, terrifying, scared, helpless, hopeful, tired, exhausting, inspirational, pure joy, pure sadness, exquisite, empowering, challenging, blessed, rewarding and so so so much more - yes there are some "not so great" words, but that was part of our journey. Let me just say though, the good far out weighed the "not so good" and yes if anything,  life was put into perspective and having had you in our live is the most rewarding thing anybody could ever have asked for  - and now you are an angel in heaven looking down on us.

Love you my sweet angel boy

Taking a step forward

Hello my precious


I miss you so so much my angel - sometimes I feel like my heart is just being ripped right out of my chest.


Its been 20 months since the worst day of my life and still it feels like yesterday. Daddy and I decided that we needed to try and take a step forward and so we decided that it was time to dismantle your cot. It was horrible and painful - it felt like we were saying goodbye all over again.


I walk into my bedroom now and it feels so bare and so empty without your cot there. I don't think I will ever get used to it. Seems so much harder to sleep at night now, knowing I cant just reach over and touch it.


The hardest part is I don't actually know how to deal with what I am feeling, its like the anger has set in and I just want smash everything in front of me - its as though I am a ticking time bomb.


Why - why - why


There is a huge gaping hole in my heart and in my life which will never be filled again.


Miss you and love you so much binky bumbs -

Another goodbye

Hello my precious sweetpea


Its been a while since mommy has been here - its just been too hard for me but today I needed to come here.  Yet again tragedy has struck our family and our hearts are broken. On Thursday your uncle Kevin went to heaven - as was with you it was totally unexpected - we are all so devastated.


Although we know you were there to welcome Kev with open arms and that the two of you will look after each other and no doubt get up to mischief - we are not quite sure how to cope, especially daddy. Within a space of a little more than a year he has lost two people that have meant more than the world to him. Kev is daddy's brother, best friend and the only person that he really opened up to when it came to talking about his feelings and emotions. Today Daddy, Ouma, and your aunt and uncles had to say their final goodbyes.  They had a small ceremony and celebrated his life with wreaths of flowers in the ocean. I am sure you are both looking down on them and saying well done because that is exactly what Kev would have wanted. As with you, uncle Kevin was cremated and everyone has decided that when they get home, his ashes need to be placed next to yours.


This is so hard, we aren't even anywhere near coming close to terms with having lost you, and now this. We need help big boy, we need help to get through this - I just don't see how we are going to manage - especially daddy.


We love and miss you so so much


All my love
Mommy

Emotional few weeks

Hello my precious little binky bums


Its been a while since I last wrote - It just seems to get more difficult as time goes by and the last three weeks have been especially difficult. There have just been so many special dates to get through - first was your birthday on 29 April - your first birthday up in heaven and our first without you. Daddy and I took the day off work and just spent time together and in the evening, when it was nice and dark, as a family we released some lovely lanterns in your memory. Something simple but something special for our little light.


Then on 3 May was your sister Toni's birthday and I found myself a little more emotional and a little more difficult to get through the day, as has been every day, but with the build up of all the anniversaries it just became harder.


Sunday 10 May was mother's day and my first without you as well - a heartbreaking day to say the least. The fact that I couldn't have all my babies with me is something my heart will never be able to understand. And then the worst of all came on 13 May, my birthday, a day that my heart will no longer know "how" to feel -  the day that marks 1 year since you gained your wings - the day you stopped breathing but your heart was still beating - the day mommy and daddy whispered to you that if God has you in his arms and you are happy then its time to go and that we would understand - the day, that the second after we said those words, you took comfort in them and your heart stopped beating and you went back home. I know I said mommy and daddy will be okay, but sometimes I just don't think I will be, but I am told that one day I will okay - I just don't know. But the one thing I do know is  that my heart will  most definitely NEVER recover.


And then there's today - your oldest sister's birthday, but also the day that daddy and I had a private moment with you and saw and kissed you for the very last time - the day that we had to say our final goodbyes. The day that we mourned yet celebrated your life with everyone that your little light touched - the day that so many wanted to be there but couldn't be amongst the many that were.


We miss you so much my baby, so much that our hearts ache every second of every day. I wish I could just have one more moment with you - just to know that you are happy and whole.


Love you more than all the grains of sand in the desert - to the moon  and back plus infinity <3

Someday

Lent this from another mommy's blog


Someday
When you live in a world where someone has told you your child is dying, you start preparing for someday. Someday, you'll have to decide that even though a surgery is needed, it is just too dangerous to go through with. Someday you'll have to decide when to stop trying to fix problems and to just provide as much comfort as you can. Someday you'll have to decide when treatments aren't working anymore anyway, so it is time to go ahead and stop them. Someday you'll have to decide when to sign papers that give medical staff permission to let your child stop breathing and their heart stop beating. Someday you'll have to make funeral plans for your baby. Someday you'll have to say goodbye.

Someday is never actually supposed to happen. - Carolyn Marie

But someday happened to us and we had t o say goodbye. We are heartbroken and the pain is indescribable  and the hurt and longing is ubearable