The days goes by so quick yet seem so long at the same time. Time doesn't seem to be healing, maybe because I have tried to be strong and now it just doesn't feel like I can anymore.
I read something the other day which pretty much sums up how I feel .......
"I have arthritis of the heart and every inch of my soul aches.."
I don't think any other words can explain it better than that and if that doesn't explain it, then nothing ever will. My body physically aches, my heart physically feels like it has been broken into pieces or as if it is pulling so tight all the time. I am continuously tired and seem to cry a lot more.
I guess now and its probably only human, the questions now start and I seem to torment myself;
Was I a good enough mommy to you?
Did I give you everything you ever needed?
Did I cuddle you enough?
Did I love you enough, the way a special needs baby is supposed to be loved and for that matter the way any child is supposed to be loved by a parent?
Did I play with you enough?
Did I keep you comfortable enough?
Did I do enough to keep you pain free?
Did you know that I loved you so much, was I able to make you feel the love?
Did I tell you that I love you enough - even though I would say it out loud and whisper it to you several times a day?
Did I do what God expected me to do when he gave you to me?
And then the biggest question of all, WHY and HOW ... what actually happened that you were taken from us. Were you tired and just couldn't any more? Was your little body poisoned from your colon? Could I have saved you. If only I knew why. So many more questions and I cant seem to answer any of them or find any comfort in anything ..........
Never a second that goes past that I don't think about you.
Love you to the moon and back. Love you more than all the grains of sand in the desert. Love you more than anybody could ever imagine