Its been a while since I last wrote - It just seems to get more difficult as time goes by and the last three weeks have been especially difficult. There have just been so many special dates to get through - first was your birthday on 29 April - your first birthday up in heaven and our first without you. Daddy and I took the day off work and just spent time together and in the evening, when it was nice and dark, as a family we released some lovely lanterns in your memory. Something simple but something special for our little light.
Then on 3 May was your sister Toni's birthday and I found myself a little more emotional and a little more difficult to get through the day, as has been every day, but with the build up of all the anniversaries it just became harder.
Sunday 10 May was mother's day and my first without you as well - a heartbreaking day to say the least. The fact that I couldn't have all my babies with me is something my heart will never be able to understand. And then the worst of all came on 13 May, my birthday, a day that my heart will no longer know "how" to feel - the day that marks 1 year since you gained your wings - the day you stopped breathing but your heart was still beating - the day mommy and daddy whispered to you that if God has you in his arms and you are happy then its time to go and that we would understand - the day, that the second after we said those words, you took comfort in them and your heart stopped beating and you went back home. I know I said mommy and daddy will be okay, but sometimes I just don't think I will be, but I am told that one day I will okay - I just don't know. But the one thing I do know is that my heart will most definitely NEVER recover.
And then there's today - your oldest sister's birthday, but also the day that daddy and I had a private moment with you and saw and kissed you for the very last time - the day that we had to say our final goodbyes. The day that we mourned yet celebrated your life with everyone that your little light touched - the day that so many wanted to be there but couldn't be amongst the many that were.
We miss you so much my baby, so much that our hearts ache every second of every day. I wish I could just have one more moment with you - just to know that you are happy and whole.
Love you more than all the grains of sand in the desert - to the moon and back plus infinity <3