Someday

Lent this from another mommy's blog


Someday
When you live in a world where someone has told you your child is dying, you start preparing for someday. Someday, you'll have to decide that even though a surgery is needed, it is just too dangerous to go through with. Someday you'll have to decide when to stop trying to fix problems and to just provide as much comfort as you can. Someday you'll have to decide when treatments aren't working anymore anyway, so it is time to go ahead and stop them. Someday you'll have to decide when to sign papers that give medical staff permission to let your child stop breathing and their heart stop beating. Someday you'll have to make funeral plans for your baby. Someday you'll have to say goodbye.

Someday is never actually supposed to happen. - Carolyn Marie

But someday happened to us and we had t o say goodbye. We are heartbroken and the pain is indescribable  and the hurt and longing is ubearable

9 months and forever gone

My sweet precious little angel


Today marks 9 months that you grew your angel wings and I am trying my utmost to be strong and failing miserably.


I miss you so so much, Daddy and your sisters miss you so so much


I now realize that the loving and longing will NEVER go away.


Love you sweet pea !!

Quiet and Empty Christmas

My precious baby angel.


It has taken me sometime to be able to sit down and write this, with the festive season and so many families celebrating I have found it difficult to be without you and as the time goes on it just seems to get harder.


Christmas day was a very quiet and empty day for us, it was the first one that we have not had with you ....... well without your physical little body. We know in spirit you are always with us, but it still doesn't make it any easier. It was so hard knowing that there wasn't a little present under the tree for you to rip open, even though you never really new, but just the joy of you holding onto the paper and thrashing it about, was a sight for sore eyes, and now ..... now I don't get to see that any more.
I don't get to dress you up as a little Santa and take photos. I don't get to kiss and cuddle you and see you face with all the excitement that goes on around you. I miss you trying to stick your fingers in my mouth and trying to pull my hair. I miss you sisters playing with you and swinging you back and me telling them enough now, but knowing that you loved every minute of it because you would throw yourself back just to go some more or swing your arms back in the air to say again ..... again.
I miss "fighting" with you because you kept pushing your food up and sprouting it out your feeding tube just to have the food all over me. I miss you throwing yourself back in the bath just to have your head in the water.  I miss trying to keep you still after your bath so I can dry you and dress you. I miss EVERYTHING, EVERTHING, the great and the not so great.  I miss having you close to me or just knowing that you are close by.

Daddy was so brave my big boy, he promised you that he would face his fears, I mean every day you fought for your life and every day you were happy and smiley and brought so much joy to everyone who met you. You see, daddy is petrified of heights and he decided that he would fulfill his promise to you in December and decided to "jump" the Oribi Gorge. Aah my boy, it was very hard for daddy but he did it - it is the highest jump/swing in the world and your daddy did it. I am so so proud of him, although the whole way, from the beginning right to the end I was crying, I guess out of fear, memories,  sentimental value, and being proud ....... Its strange how things work out, because the day daddy jumped, happened to be the 29th, and you were born on 29 April, this was not planned .... oh how I wish you could have been there to see it.


A little while ago daddy and I decided that after the jump we would spread you ashes, but when it came to it, I just couldn't do it. Daddy was very understanding and told me when I am ready is when we do it. I thought I was but I guess I have been hiding it very well from everyone, I am just no where near ready and somehow don't think I every will be. Everyone says happy new year, I hope its a great one - how can it be a great one - I don't have you with me


I know some people think I go on and on and probably say just get over it ..... but please tell me, how do you ever get over losing your child. I just don't understand it, my heart is so sad yet so angry, I have been a good mom to you and your sisters, I have been good "mom" to my step daughters, where did I go wrong, why did I have to lose my baby boy .....

re



8 months gone

My precious baby angel.


Today marks 8 months that you are no longer with us. Everyone keeps telling me time heals ...... it doesn't. My heart aches for you every second of every single day .

Forever counting

Ai my binky bums - the last few days have been so incredibly difficult and emotional - I miss you so so much.
It has been a little over six months now your little body is whole and that you are running freely with our heavenly father - it feels like just the other day but yet a life time that you gained your wings.
Whilst you were with us big boy, we were forever counting and celebrating the days, weeks, months and years we had with you and cherished every moment, and now even when you are not with us, we are counting the days, weeks and months that you have been gone. I don't thing we really know how else to survive - just day by day I guess
The fact that Christmas is around the corner and it will be our first without you makes my heart shatter even more. I know its a time that we should celebrate and be thankful, but I am no where near that frame of mind, in actual fact I am not looking forward to it at all. Would be quite relieved if it never comes.
I know we have many "first" milestones that we still need to get through and maybe once we have gotten through all the very special days like birthdays, Christmas, Easter and other days, maybe then it might become a little easier, but somehow my heart tells me it will never become easier. You are our little boy, our little miracle and should be here with me and daddy and your sisters.
We shouldn't have to be living life without you - its just too hard L

Bits and pieces

Mommy's sweetest little binky bums

No need for me to tell you just how much we all miss you - I know you are watching over us and see all the sadness and heart break and then the comforting moments cherishing all the memories we got to make with you,  and just having your beautiful face all around us.

Your garden is blooming at such a speed and is looking absolutely beautiful, all the roses are in full bloom and it smells absolutely wonderful. Although we still have a lot of work to do, it is exactly what we wanted. With all the wind that we are having at the moment we are continuously hearing the wind chime in your garden, which sounds just like your favourite giraffe rattle you always played with - both comforting but also very heart breaking to hear. You know sweetpea, I have also attached your giraffe rattle ( the new one you got for your birthday) to my rear view mirror of my car, so that I can hear the chimes whenever I am driving. Daddy thought it may get too much for me, but it has really been a saving grace for me.

The last week has been incredibly difficult for me, many times now I find myself crying and wondering how you are. I know that you are with God and I know that you are whole and looking down on us, but somehow I just need to know, just need to see that you are okay.
My longing for you has been so incredibly intense that I just don't know what to do with myself but cry. I cry when I wake up, I cry when I lay in the bath, I cry on my way to work, at work, on my way home from work ...... I just cry. I feel like I am losing total grip on reality and the strength that I have been holding on to. The sadness has been completely overwhelming.

I know I should be celebrating your life, and I do ..... but I am totally heartbroken. Daddy and your sisters also miss you terribly, A lot of the time I see them just staring into nothingness and I know they are thinking of you.

As I sit here at work today - my tears are flowing even more, out of sadness but also out of comfort, that we were able to help someone in need. You see baby boo, before God came to take you, we had ordered more feeding tubes for you which we did not get to use. Daddy and I donated these tubes to an organization called Rare Diseases South Africa - and these tubes went to a beautiful little four year old boy by the name of Jaydon. There was no guarantee that Jaydon would get these tubes, and I know that there are so many children that need help, but deep within my heart I was hoping that precious little Jaydon would receive them and today we got confirmation that he did. This my sweet angel pie is one more step in keeping your beautiful legacy alive and it makes me proud that we can do this on your behalf.
Love you and miss you so so much
All my love and kisses
Mommy
xxx

Heaven's special child

Heaven’s special child

A meeting was held far from earth

‘It’s time again for another birth’,

said the angels to the Lord above.

“This special child will need much love.

His progress may seem very slow,

Accomplishment he may not show;

And he’ll require extra care

From folks he meets down there.

He may not run or laugh or play;

His thoughts may seem quite far away.

In many ways he won’t adapt

And he’ll be known as “handicapped”.

So let’s be careful where he’s sent,

We want his life to be content.

Please, Lord, find the parents who

Will do a special job for You.

They will not realize right away

The leading role they’re asked to play.

Comes stronger faith and richer love

And soon they’ll know the privilege given

In caring for this gift from Heaven.

Their precious charge so meek and mild

Is Heaven’s very special child.”

 

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